Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Elrok movie review: "Spectre", Jame Bond 007

Spectre

I waited....and waited...and waited...    No  naked silhouettes. No shadows! Just the real thing.  Guess I shoulda seen "The Writing on the Wall" ...but I even stayed through 15 minutes of credit rolls. Please naked shadows...please redeem this movie in the end with those sexy and sensual shadowy  silhouettes !   It didn't happen.

Like any good franchise, the ending left us with with unanswered questions intended to evoke curiosity in the audience and create a segue to the next film.  This is the pertinent question that this movie left us all asking:  "Where the F@#* did that 300 million dollars go?!!?"  Seriously, ...three-hundred million dollars?  One of the most expensive movies in history?  No naked shadows?

Spectre was a ghost of a movie...an apparition..a slight of hand. For 300 mil,  at least you could have had a cameo by Edward Snowden,   or clandestinely summoned plot advice from "Anonymous".  Prerequisite for casting was that all actors had to be under 5'10.  Enter Christoph Waltz,   a.k.a. Lord Farquaad.  Brought back memories of that 1977 song by Randy Newman called " Short People"..'got no reason to live'. Neither does hero nor villain in this flick,  nor the franchise if  the cockiness of English film producers thinks they can sell the American public Fish 'n Chips  without the fish...,   creating a movie that fell far short of the mark.

Aging Bond got laid twice, at least. I wasn't happy for him. I wondered if he, like his bulletproof but gadgetless gadget car,  failed miserably in bed and left his guests wanting....but by the time he reached for his Viagra...the mood had passed and it was too late!  ...his latest sexual conquest heading for the door as he struggles to make 'it' work.  There were six people in the theater..and two left 75 minutes in.  Maybe going home for a little lovin' action will fill the void created by the impotence of this film..

Sean Connery...Roger Moore....even the "short"-lived   Pierce Brosnan,  created a suave and debonaire aura that left you believing that maybe...just maybe....that sweet young morsel that Bond just 'did' ,  might actually have been swooned by a secret agent's handsome-ness and class. Tight ass-ed taylored suits and supposedly studly posing by Daniel Craig was crass, ..not class.

Wait for the DVD.  Wait until it has been raining for a week.  Wait until this 'ghost' of a Bond film redeems itself with a film worthy of the franchise.  Gheeiiishhhh!