Monday, October 3, 2016

Bear story...


...... my (ex)-wife saw these bears from inside the house while I was working nearby outside. 
She screamed.. " Bears! Bears!"....and proceeded to slam the sliding glass door shut and lock it. 
I was still outside.
 Mama bear was running around wildly between my dogs and me, protecting her two cubs as a good mother would.  She  swatted at my dog, no doubt with claws extended... and his bravery left him and he wimpered away back towards the house. Then, it was just me and Mama bear in a 3 second facedown.

 I ran for my life! 
Faster than my legs could carry me, ...tripping and stumbling along the way,  I fearfully, ...frantically tried to make it back to the locked house!  Like a war veteran desperately avoiding artillery fire, I ran in a zig-zag pattern , and fell to the turf several times my mind was already safely in the house,... but my legs were still 40 yards from the door. If you  played this scene back in slow-motion,   it could have been used as war footage in "Saving Private Ryan".

When I finally  made it to the sliding-glass door and the (perceived) safety of the house, the door was locked, of course :(. 
 I risked a couple of extra seconds and took  time to look back,... as Mama bear was nudging and shimmy-ing her two cubs up a large oak tree to protect them. Then, she  went up the tree herself.
 "Let me in! Let me in! " I screamed.... as my (ex) wife peered from behind a curtain on the sliding glass door.

 "Is the bear gone!? " she asked.
 "Whuh-what!!?? !!  " "LET ME IN !!" , I pleaded.
 I rattled at the handle of the door and pounded on the glass. Finally, when she realized that the bears were not going to eat me...she let me in.

 She made me some hot coffee  (with the regular two teaspoons of Borax instead of sugar. (She told me would  calm me and help  "clean out" my system. ) Then she regretfully returned the 1 million dollar term life insurance policy with only one year left on it... to it's proper place. Most of our important stuff was kept in a filing cabinet,...but for some reason, this policy was always kept in the top drawer on her nightstand, next to a wad of "emergency" cash and a loaded glock 44.

The bears came down from the trees about 3-days later, scampered across the pasture and easily crushed and crossed a fence to freedom. I think they were drawn to the area because I had caught 7 or 8 large redfish that week, and had shallowly buried their filet-ed carcasses out back where I was working.
 That's my bear story... The end.