Friday, June 24, 2016

Elrok Movie Review: "THE SHALLOWS"

When your Mom dies ,  and her 'angel-spirit' calls  you to a remote surfing break in an little known  exotic location...DON"T GO!!!
'There, there child.   My lost battle with cancer was all for this:  To show you how to persevere,  to suck it up ..and keep on fighting no matter what life throws at you.'

Enter :  Angry Hungry Vengeful Crazed Territorial Big- Ass CGI Shark!
  ' Don't worry,  sweet daughter.  This is just a test; .... a little character-building exercise ...thoughtfully sent  down to you from Heaven by your loving mother.  It  won't kill you,.... but it will make you STRONGER!   And,  prompt your lazy surfer-girl ass into finishing the med-school plan me and your dear father had mapped out for you!  Ingrate!   I skipped my last 3-months of chemo just so we were sure to leave enough doctor money in your college fund account!'

  'You   WILL finish med-school!'

'However,  I am not beyond summoning the shark-spirits up here to END YOU!  Should your day-dreaming  pot-laden surfer brain not  come to grips!   YOU CHOOSE!..., sweet daughter.  Tube ride,  or WIPE-OUT!  I will spiritually tempt your mind to surf  the deadly  waters of the shark capital of the WORLD!      New Smyrna Beach , Florida !!

The huge great whites of Australia may be bath-salts crazy,  but thirty small chunks chewed off your frail ( but hot) tanned body by Smyrna sharks ain't gonna be tournaquet friendly.  Unless Hollywood and your desperate future doctor mind can find a way to MacGyver your ear-rings, ...or bracelet,... or necklace,... or some other shiny shark-attracting jewelry like all experienced surfers wear, to cleverly self-cut through your breast-plate and tie-off your aorta.  Oh...but only for two- minute intervals,   so as not to lose consciousness or let gangrene set in,  of course.

This movie MAY have you asking the big  "WHY?". "WHY"?  oh, why!  ? ....did they replace the Jaws ride at Universal with effin'  Harry Potter?

But the movie was,  well, FUN!  Captivating enough to keep you interested throughout.,  and fun to make fun of!  I enjoyed the running commentary of a few movie-cynical patrons who sat nearby,  who would point out the hundreds of fallibilities  in the movie, lest we begin to believe such a tale was true!

Elrok recommend:  Go see it!!  ....,   even with the baggage of JAWS and SHARKNADO weighing on your mind.  It will awaken your cynical side,  and you WON'T  be afraid to go back in the ocean after you leave the theater.   Good suspenseful fun!    Would like to give it two-thumbs up....but  just can't do it.  Even with a cameo by Steven Seagull.