"Not Jesus" Jesus Lessons: Why Some People Should Never Quote Jesus...

'Not Jesus'  Why Some People Should Never Quote Jesus:

"So I say to you, Ask and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you."  ----  Jesus
   
 ' Not Jesus '  >> : "Knock and the door shall be opened..!"

(I have had this one chimed to me many times,  when somebody is holding a door open for me.) 
Thought balloon:  ' Does he think he's Jesus Christ? ' 
 Maybe I should take him to the beach with me tomorrow morning...so I won't have to use the bridge when he parts the Halifax River.
 Whoops!   Guess he'll have to believe that  he's Moses if that happens. 
But,  we can park the car and walk on the water together over the river and  to the beachside! )

"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye. shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: 8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh. findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened."---  Jesus

' Not Jesus '  >>:   "Ask and ye shall recieve....!  "   

( I have had this one declared as someone finds something I was looking for,  finds it,  delivers it to me.... as if he is Jesus ...delivering my poor wretched soul from the pains of my loss and into eternal blissfull heaven.)
  Thank you,  fake Jesus...but your finding my lost keys was not a miracle.
  Jesus only hands us keys to Heaven..  
 And btw...."Ye"  ....  yeah,  well....it aint a word no more.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me."   ----Jesus

' Not Jesus '  >>:  "Let not your heart be troubled"   

 ( Sometimes...this one actually prompts me into a short prayer!...as I exalt :  "Oh God!"...with and exasperated eye roll.)  
Thank you,  fake Jesus...for your profound empathies... as you cast aside my pain and troubles as utter frivolity. 
  What you really mean is...."Let not "MY" heart be troubled...because,  I'm not really even sure what you just said...but it sounded painful , and maybe this Jesus quote will stop you from making me feel any of it"....

And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.-------Jesus

' Not Jesus '  >>:  " Well,  ya know...people in glass houses..."   (unfinished open phrase)

( I have had this one 'thrown' at me....but, less like a stone....and more like a pointy poisoned arrow,  meant to pierce the soft armor of my diatribal commentary...and kill the evil inside of me ) 
In other words: summarily discount it...  as if my often accurate  caricature of the meathead I just described...should somehow, make me take a look inside .....with a humbled tone of introspectiveness.  
 I think he meant to say... 
" Your a meathead , too!"  
Thanks,  fake Jesus. 

Yep...there are more...
but the point is...I think in order to be allowed to quote Jesus....you should have to take "Jesus Lessons" first.
 Maybe harness some real love and empathy...a degree of 'foresight'?.. if not prophecy? 
A little learn-ed 'tact'...  and ...maybe muster some humility in realizing even if you 'speak Jesus'.....you are still, ....
                                  
                              " Not Jesus "