Online Dating Tips for MEN

Online Dating TIPS;

#1-  Lie, Lie ...LIE!  About everything!  Your age, your income, your ejucation level. Your past, your present, your future.. your sexual preferences, your religion,  your politics!  Lie.

#2- Profile Pic;   Be SURE to post a pic from 15 years and 30 pounds ago.   No-one likes 'reality' if they are on an online dating site....so,  stick to the fantasy!  Post old pics, or ...if necessary,  fuzzy-up some old Tom Cruise pics. ( Be sure to be winking,  the ladies love this.)

#3-  Wine.  You love wine. If you hate wine,  you now LOVE wine,  and would like take her out for some wine sometime.  Women love their wine,  more than their men!  Get used to being second best . Sub-ordinate yourself to the WINE! You and your ever growing  love handles and male ego... you are no match for the wine.   This has become and always will be many  a woman's true lover.

#4-  Compliments.  Start with the hair,  then the eyes....and make some deep-thought bullcrap up about her 'soul'...like,  you think you can see it in her eyes or something,  or, you can somehow feel her fantastic personality and soul through simple typeface in an instant message or text. Now, it goes without saying, that  "some" women have no soul.  But look past that,  and enter the fantasy..

#5-  Chivalry:   Bring lots of money and spend it.  Chivalry lesson...DONE!

#6-  Walt Disney.  You love Disney World.  You... BELIEVE...IN FAIRY TALES!.  The whole princess meeting prince and galloping off into the sunset is REAL to women,  and especially Disney-fied indoctrinated American women. Do not deny them this fantasy.

#7- Pay for the date. Even if she offers to go Dutch...pay for the date! In general,  women think most men are cheapskates and douschebags.  In general,  they are probably right!  No need to further this hasty generalization.  Just pay for the date.  If a relationship springs from it,  it will be the cheapest thing you paid for in retrospect. Your soul is the real price you will pay.

#8- I hope you are still lying!  If  you are not able to keep up with your own good lies,   then at least exaggerate. No,  not about how much you can bench-press!  About the important things, ...  like your bank account, the size of your house, your philanthropic nature, your amicable divorce!   Your wine collection! And if you have small hands....try to keep them under the table or wear a long-sleeve shirt that is tight around the wrists. If you must give her your full name, mis-spell it or give her a nickname to hide your prison record or to throw her off on a background check..

#9-  Picking her up:  If you don't have a nice car...RENT one.  Unfortunately,  this will be one of the first and most important impressions about who you REALLY are! The car makes the man, as I always say.  Does not matter who is inside! If you ain't got it, rent it!

#10- Sunglasses.  Wear'em.  You DO NOT want her to see the insecure and panic stricken look in your eyes as you approach her.  Remember,  this is all about proliferating a fantasy.  The more you can hide about your real ogre-self...probably is going to work out for the best. Besides, sunglasses will hide the full-body-scans and extra-long stares at her boobs or ass that are instinctive to  us men.  If you catch yourself staring, quickly move in and remove a piece of lint from her dress at the shoulder.  She'll be lost in a small moment of embarrassment and maybe forget that you were measuring up her ass like that little gold frame that measured the "Grinches" heart ...that grew three sizes in that one day...

Well,  I hope that helps , fellas.  Hey...I am there for ya!   Good luck, and remember...this little oxymoron :  " Stay true to the fantasy! ".  cya's